Cold calling -Is tactic, deceitful, not genuine, and doesn’t work

It was a typical sales review day for southern India sales team & we were presenting on how to expand reach in the market. After 8 of us spoke our VP – Sales & Marketing stood up and asked “I often come across a situation when sales people use ‘cold calling’ as the default when asked about effective ways to expand reach? Is it still relevant? I know it used to be when I started my career back in 1990’s? Has no advancement been made in the process of sales in past two decades? Think about it – Why still cold calling when you could easily do a ‘Planned/Researched calling’?”

After a while, I thought “you know there might actually be a better way to do this than just picking up the phone or knocking on the company gates from the list of companies assigned”.

Cold calling is a tactic, deceitful, not genuine, and it doesn’t work. Cold calling is a total waste of every salesperson’s time. And cold calling authors/presenters have the ‘g’alls to call cold calling an “art.” in today’s digitally integrated environment.
Cold Calling businesses isn’t any easier. While there were less anger and disgust directed at the caller, reaching a decision-maker means dealing with gatekeepers whose job was to put cold callers on infinite waiting.

no-soliciting

 

The entire concept of cold calling is dependent on the idea that normal behavior is to answer a ringing phone / random person and have a spontaneous conversation.
Cold calling results in about a 1-3% success rate for getting an initial appointment. When that same call is made with a referral, the rate jumps up to 40% and even much higher when that referral comes from within the company.

The conclusion anyone should make is that you should never leave the office or get on the phone to call on a prospect without some form of a referral and better plan to approach the prospect.

So, let’s do some simple math –
Cold Calling: if you have a list of 1000 names to cold call, you’re looking at getting 30 appointments as doing quite well.
Researched Calling: Now, let’s say before you start calling or knocking on their gates, you drill down and do enough research to qualify 250 prospects on that list that are very well suited to your business. Then you do further research using digital media to locate information and contacts that would allow you to get referral introductions and recommendations to most on that pared down list.

Researched Calling approach is likely to turn up 75-100, well-qualified prospects willing to discuss your ideas further.

Make fewer calls, get better results – that’s marketing math you can live with.
A key aspect of this concept, of course, is that you are constantly developing a list of prospects you would like to do business with.

Connect with your existing customers as well because it will make it easier to identify the ones that are influencers and who might be a great candidate to refer you to your hot prospect list.

This approach obviously takes more time and planning. You must develop a prospect list, research using digital media, and plan for referred introductions.
The end result, however, is a success rate that any sales and marketing person would be envious of.

So the bottom line is Gone are the days of cold calling. The Era of informed / planned calling is here.

Cheers !!!

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In Making : Worst Recession – 2016

We already know many things about 2016’s economic situation and of course we all have heard our leaders promising that we are shining bright like a star. Moreover, our economic forecasters continue to remain to be worse than mediocre astrologers, as no one in economic circle has a crystal ball to predict future precisely.

So, let’s hazard a guess about 2016 !!!

Weather will be predictably unpredictable – and global temperatures will continue to rise. 2016, like 2015 and the decade before, will probably be the hottest year on record.

Terrorists will continue to try to disrupt the Western world.

Oil has crashed from $110 a barrel to $28 a barrel, and would continue to fall to $20 a barrel. Many other commodity prices have crashed and will continue to crash.

So far, it’s all easy to predicte. But what are some of the less predictable things, and the things that might even surprise us in 2016 and possibly create a global recession.

Three Major Probable Trigger for Global Recession in 2016 are :-

  1. European Situation to Get Worse
  2. Emerging Markets To Lead World Into Global Recession
  3. USA – Due For Another Recession
  • The European Situation To Get Worse

2015 has seen political and economic shocks over an influx of migrants, Greek debt, Islamist violence and Russian military action have led to the return of border controls in many places, the rise of anti-European Union political forces.

By any measure, 2015 has been a year from hell for the European Union. And if Britons vote to leave the bloc, 2016 could be worse.

If Britain — Europe’s second-biggest economy and one of its two main military powers — became the first member state ever to vote to leave the union, it would be a shattering blow to the bloc’s confidence and international standing.

One more problem likely to worsen in 2016 is that Europe’s main leaders are politically weak and so preoccupied by domestic challenges, carried forward from 2015, that they are unable to take the necessary collective action.

If EU situation gets worse and leads to collapse of the euro, it would have widespread negative consequences for the world economy, perhaps bringing on recessions.

  • Emerging Markets Might Lead World Into Recessions

Keep in mind that a world recession doesn’t necessarily imply a deep U.S. recession.

Chinese economy has recently experienced excess capacity, excessive leverage in the corporate sector and two booms, bubbles and busts in housing and stock markets.

Fears of a sharp slowdown in China’s economy – the second largest in the world after the U.S. – has rattled global markets in recent months.

An avalanche of dollars exiting China threatens to smother all emerging markets, including India, and cause a global recession. Almost $600 billion have exited China in the last six months, huge $100 billion per month. This would have emptied the forex reserves of almost any other country , but China still has $3.3 trillion left. However, it cannot afford a continuing outflow at this rate.

Investment in China has been, on average, woefully inefficient—especially since 2008. Most of it continues to be allocated to infrastructure, construction and traditional industrial and extra active activities. Now that this debt bubble is unwinding, growth in China is going offline.

The problem is that China accounted for 34 percent of global growth, if the Chinese economy slips into recession, it is likely to drag down the rest of the world as well.

Between a slowing Chinese economy, collapsing commodity prices, and the beginning of the U.S. Federal Reserve’s rate-hiking cycle, many emerging-market economies have become quite fragile – notably Russia and Brazil. With Brazil’s multibillion-dollar corruption scandal  and plummeting oil prices undermining Russia’s fiscal sustainability, 2016 will further test these economies.

  • USA – Due For Another Recession

Being the leader is sometimes tough. USA is undoubtedly the largest and strongest economy in the world. This is also a threat to the world, as one wrong move by US and entire world’s economy gets effected.

Economic data already begin to show some similar patterns that have predicted recessions in the past:-

  • U.S. factory orders have dropped the most since the collapse of Lehman Brothers.
  • U.S. export growth has been weakening
  • Corporate profits are beginning to decline
  • Retail Sales have dropped the most since before the last recession. The same is true with wholesale sales.

Bottom Line

Recession has occurred in the U.S. about every five years, on average, since the end of WWII; and it has been seven years since the last one — we are overdue.

The Fed will not be able to lower interest rates and provide any debt-service relief for the economy. The best the Fed can do now is to take away its 0.25 percent rate hike made in December.

Therefore, the ability of government to save the markets and the economy this time around will be extremely difficult, if not impossible.

Lets Wait and Watch !!!

Cheers !!!imagesimages

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After you’ve done your best

(and it didn’t work)

…then what do you do?

Slamming your six iron into the ground, yelling at yourself, cursing out your staff, second-guessing, berating bystanders—there are plenty of ways we demonstrate our frustration that our best didn’t work this time.

But is it helpful?

Learning from a failure is critical. Connecting effort with failure at an emotional level is crippling. After all, we’ve already agreed you did your best.

Early in our careers, we’re encouraged to avoid failure, and one way we do that is by building up a set of emotions around failure, emotions we try to avoid, and emotions that we associate with the effort of people who fail. It turns out that this is precisely the opposite of the approach of people who end up succeeding.

If you believe that righteous effort leads to the shame of personal failure, you’ll seek to avoid righteous effort.

Successful people analytically figure out what didn’t work and redefine what their best work will be in the future. And then they get back to work.

Let the guys at ESPN do the racket throwing.

Cheers !!!

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Setting your Quota Right

The more time I spend in sales, the more I realise importance of positive self concept and how it influences earning capability. I have always been a overconfident salesperson, who always sets big quota for himself. Now I am realising that usually big quota instead of motivating me actually pulls confidence & self concept down, which results in demotivation. As opposed to my earlier belief that if I would take a BIG quota, my mind would find some or other way to achieve that quota, it actually shuts down. When I see my quota far off and try to put entire mind in finding ways to achieve it, at that moment what my mind interestingly does is exactly opposite, it starts finding reasons why the high quota cannot be achieved and justifications for it.

What I have learned from this is that when quota is set far off and way beyond anything that has been achieved in the past, is automatically refused by self concept sooner or later. After spending few months on this high quota, I finally realised my mistake and made slight adjustment in my quota to make it more realistic and achievable.

I realised that to increase my income, I must set a realistic quota and make sure it is achieved first in my own mind before I could ever actually achieve it in reality. I should aim to increase my sales and income with slight progressions, instead of making a giant leap.

Cheers !!!.

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About 80 : 20 rule in Sales

We have always heard of 80-20 rule to be applied predominantly by quality department but if you have been in sales for any period of time, I know you would be familiar with this rule to hold true even for Sales i.e.  80% of the sales revenue of a company comes from the top 20% of the sales people in that company. It doesn’t matter what the industry is or the product or service is, 80-20 rule stands true.  

So why is it so? Even when all the sales rep’s are selling exactly the same product, having exactly the same source, having exactly the same literature, all the tools are exactly the same, still results generated are just opposite of EXACT. So what is going on here? Why such a difference?  Why some sales person do great and why majority of sales rep’s struggle and hate their jobs?  And more importantly what can one do to move from 80% to 20%.

Here’s the deal – it all depends on how keen are you to learn, how motivated are you to move into the top 20%, do you really want to climb up the corporate ladder?

Remember the Rule Number 1 in sales is “If someone else can do it, I can do it better” and believe me YOU CAN!!!! You have to just study harder, apply yourself more, work smarter and harder, use smart and better qualifying techniques, learn to listen and not only to hear, close more qualified prospects. 

Everything mentioned above can be developed, no matter what or who you are.

So buckle up and make a commitment to yourself to become the best in your industry.

Cheers!!!

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Multichannel Marketing : A new buzzword

Multichannel marketing was the hot topic in our discussion at Algypug.  How do we increase number of channel to reach a customer either by using retail store, a web site, a mail,  catalogue, or direct personal communications by letter, email or text message. But if you think about it, multichannel marketing can only be effective if it’s measured.  It also means that multichannel marketers have to become a lot more sophisticated by doing more than allocating sales to the most recent customer interaction.  Others are calling this “fractional attribution” but the goal is the same, to understand the relative value of different channels and gauge the success of marketing programs accordingly.

There are three critical components in any multichannel marketing campaign:

  1. Coordinating and managing multiple marketing channels
  2. Developing channel-appropriate communications focused on the customer (and not the channel)
  3. Matching campaign objectives with the right channel.

To do multichannel marketing with the right touchpoints means that marketers will need to invest in technologies to support this in an automated fashion.

Hopefully, by experimenting with multichannel marketing campaigns, one will begin seeing some of the ROI improvement.

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“Bullshit” :- an inevitable word while dealing with ‘Change’

Today, while I’ve been sitting in office filling up projections for 2012-13, my thought process wandered off to Change Management and I had craving to write about it on this blog.

So, framing thoughts about change management:-

  • “The most important fact that you need to know about resistance to change is that it’s normal.”
  • “The second most important fact is that you can prevent a whole lot of resistance by making significant efforts to explain why a change is necessary.”

This is what was told to me about change management and I accepted it with whole heart as conventional thought which is universally accepted.

But I now proudly pronounce above mentioned thoughts to be nothing but “Bullshit”.

Yes, I agree to certain extent that change which comes with no resistant what so ever and is not permanent in nature, is merely a classic example of Change Mirage and is only an adjustment to current situation caused by certain conditions.

Also, I still don’t get it that if suggested change is corporate-centric and not user-centric, how beneficiary it going to be ?

By corporate-centric, I mean if the suggested change is not a result of work done backward from the workforce perspective. Change based on loose suggestions from few so called “Intellectuals” of different business sector, I am left with no other option but to doubt the authenticity of that change.

Hopefully, any marketers would know this with inherent nature that if your users (salespeople and customers) don’t like the change, it don’t sell and if it is not worked backwards from the needs of the people who are responsible to implement the change than it won’t get embraced in the culture.

Isn’t that simple?? :).

Another thought which crossed my mind was if more than a few people are saying bullshit behind your back than what should one do??? Should it be considered as a good wake-up call or it means that you had wrong people on board all along responsible for change management???

Further, if you are finding yourself constantly “managing change”, does it mean you could be probably doing it wrong??

On a lighter side, when was asked “Would you work for change, or just complain?”…many respondent replied “Do I need pick…Gosh!!! This is hard.”

And certainly I don’t know how to conclude above, so closing with a famous saying of Thomas Watson “Nothing happens until someone sells something. Planning is valuable, but-long-term its your ability to improvise and adjust that makes the difference.”

Cheers!!!

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With YOU

I hear its getting bit cold back there in my hometown….I still try and brush my memory to figure out my childhood in that cold and how did I managed to survive that cold still I try n try to recollect but all in vain….So I correlate my memories with Swift’s words, and come with something like this :-

I’m five years old, It’s getting cold I’ve got my big coat on…I hear your laugh and I look up smiling at you, I run and run…pass the small gate and open ground…..I look at the sky which is gold, I hug you and fall asleep on the way home on scooter. I am scared and don’t know why all the trees change in the fall, I know you’re not scared of anything at all. Don’t know if that house across railway tracks is near or far away but I know that I had the best day with you.

I’m thirteen now, I don’t know why my friends at school are so mean,  I come home  and you hold me tight, grab my bag and we talk and talk until I am relaxed. You ask me to move out and play with my friends though I’ve forgotten all their names.  I don’t know who I’m gonna talk to now at school but I still know I’m laughing on the ride home thinking about talk with you. Don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel okay but I know I had the best day with you .

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger, God smiles on my elder brother inside and out he’s better than I am.  I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run and I had the best days with you.

There is a picture I found from back when I was three and you’re looking at me. It’s the age of toys and cartoons and stupidity.

I am twenty four now, and still Daddy’s smartest and you’re the prettiest lady in the whole wide world.  Now I know why all the trees change in the fall, I know you were on my side even when I was wrong and I love you for giving so many best days, Staying back for me and watching me shine.

And I didn’t know if you knew So I’m taking this chance to say that everyday with you was and is the best day for me…

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Wanted. A Brahmin bridegroom for girl under 23

William Blake, the wonderful poet and painter, who once said, “To Generalize is to be an Idiot; To Particularize is the Alone Distinction of Merit.”

What he was saying in his typical vehement way, was be precise.

And to give a demonstration of what he meant, applied to marketing, lets analyse marriage scenario of India.

Wanted. A Brahmin bridegroom for girl under 23

This is a story forwarded by my Managing Director, Mr. Ben Merton.

This story is about Mr. Sridhar and his wife Vijay.

It is said that in India 70% of marriages are still arranged.

Mr. Sridhar’s story goes something like this.

Sridhar had written an article in “Business India” on Direct Marketing – hoping to get some more business.

The next day an elderly, distinguished person arrived at his door with his wife.

Sridhar noticed he carried a copy of “Business India” and was most interested.

He invited the man in and said: “Can I help you?” And this is how the conversation went.

“I have a daughter who is ready to get married. And last week I placed a matrimonial ad in the papers. I am very disappointed with the response.”

It’s very common in India to advertise for your bride. That’s precisely how Sridhar found his own wife.

The man continued: “Then I saw this article. You seem to have done something for a restaurant, a blood bank and some computer. I wonder if you could raise responses for a matrimonial ad.”

He then gave Sridhar a fifteen minute lecture on how difficult it was to get girls married – and why as a last resort he had thought of advertising.

Sridhar asked for a copy of the advertisement.

It said:

Wanted: Brahmin bridegroom, for a well accomplished South Indian girl under 23. Reply Box No.####

Sridhar: “You said the response is poor.”

“Of course it is bloody poor. I got three replies. One is from a widower. One is from a Kashmiri Brahmin. The third is from a boy who is just 23. Too young.”

“Look, my daughter is a MSc. first class. This chap should at least have a good degree. Of course he must have a good job. And he must be the right age. She is 23.”

So they wrote the ad again: Wanted: a well educated, well employed bridegroom around 27 for a 23 year old South Indian Brahmin MSc. Reply ….

This was rejected by the man’s wife because it didn’t say anything about horoscopes, which are considered important in India.

Also it didn’t clarify whether they were looking for an Iyer or an Iyengar bridegroom – these are two particular types of Brahmin.

The girl was fairly slim and very fair. The more traditional Indians are very concerned about whether people are fair or dark (a common concern in many cultures, for those of you who are politically correct.)

So they had to take account of this and also the fact that the girl was a very good Carnatic Music Singer. Thus, the son-in-law must appreciate music.

The girl was also an officer in the State bank with a good salary. And she was the only daughter of a well to do industrialist. On the other hand, she didn’t mind settling abroad.

So they rewrote it again:

“Wanted: a well educated, well employed, Iyengar bridegroom around 27, for a 23 year old, 5’6″ very fair, slim, South Indian Brahmin MSc. Bank Officer. Well accomplished Carnatic singer. Only daughter of a successful industrialist. Girl willing to settle abroad. Reply with horoscope…”

They showed the wife the draft again. By this time Sridhar was hoping it would go through.

But she was a difficult client. She rejected it again. It didn’t say anything about lineage. So there had to be another qualification – non-Bharadwaja – which means nothing to me, but meant a lot to them. This is how the ad then read:

“Wanted: a well educated, well employed non-Bharadwaja Iyengar bridegroom around 27, for a 23 year old South India very fair, slim, 5’6″ MSc Bank Officer. Well accomplished Carnatic singer. Only daughter of a successful industrialist. Girl is willing to settle abroad. Reply with horoscope….”

Then the lady turned the question of media placement.

“Where did you place your last ad?”

“Times of India in Bombay,” said the husband.

“Quite wrong” said the lady. “You should have gone into the Hindu. Even in Bombay, the type we are looking for will buy the Hindu every Sunday only for the matrimonial ads. Make sure you release it on a Sunday.”

So the media schedule was settled. But what about the timing?

“We can get it in next Sunday”, Sridhar said.

No, no”, said the lady. “This is the month of ashada. Nobody ever contemplates marriage this month. So you wouldn’t get any replies.

And another thing. Do you think you could get a Madras Box Number? Because I think you will get better replies.”

“How much would it cost?” asked her husband.

“About Rs. 390,” said Sridhar

“My God. If I only got three replies, each reply would cost me Rs. 130.”

His wife said “So what? Why are you bothered about numbers? If you get one worthwhile alliance, won’t that be enough?”

A few weeks later the gentleman called Sridhar and said:

“You know that ad you did for us. We released it in the Hindu two weeks ago and got nearly 40 replies. There are at least seven worthwhile. Thanks a lot.”

Sridhar confessed to having squirmed when he accepted this compliment. He realised his clients had contributed most. They’d taught him quite a lesson about targeting and creative.

I find this story interesting for three reasons.

First, it demonstrates that no matter what country you are in, your clients can often teach you a lesson.

Second, it shows that the more precise your copy is the better you will do – and that usually means making it longer.

And third, that the quality of the reply often matters more than the cost.

~ Originally by Mr. Drayton

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Flying Phobia!!! Airlines should help…

It was a lazy Sunday for me. So thought of writing something and do something, but was thoroughly perplexed on what should I write about?? Then a  thought crossed my head that as my director has flown out of country and I have dodged few opportunities to visit few places because of  my flying phobia, so whats a better topic than “This”.

This post is basically for people (including me) who suffer from common syndrome of fear from flights. Many people who are frequent flyer ignore pre-flight announcements and safety demonstrations but Lord Shiva knows how petrified we all are when the smiling and “amazingly heavy loaded with make-up” flight attendant (I still feel that if they are in dark, with that amount of make-up, they will sparkle)  politely educates us about do’s and don’t’s and how to increase chances of survival at time of emergency. And if you have recently watched documentary on 911 or numerous videos on plane crashes on tubes or keenly followed Mangalore incident, chuck your thought of flying. It would  be better to travel on tracks or by road.

Its so tensed in there, we pay hell lot of money and buy that tension, whatta fool we  And freaky flight attendents just don’t do anything about this “PHOBIA” rather they smile at me as if saying “You will die!!!”

While giving lecture on in-flight safety and announcements why don’t they just flavoure it with little humour and some amount of well meaning teasing. This would help to lighten up the situation a bit.

Here are few examples what could be said to lighten the mood:-

  • On landing, air hostess can say, “Please be sure to take all of you belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
  • “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
  • “Thank you for flying with XYZ flight. We hope if you survive this landing, you will come back to us and let us have our second chance”
  • After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a flight attendant should announce , “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted.”
  • “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will fall from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before helping with thiers. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite”
  • On boarding  “Welcome aboard Flight 123 to Lucknow. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
  • “Weather at our destination is 45 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Indian Airlines (coz they are damn expensive).”
  • “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
  • “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses”

If these are implemented (after paying me “royalty” for sure) flight experience will be much more fun. Airlines should help us in our fight with our flying phobia.

Cheers !!!

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“East” Naah!!! “West” Haan!!! Bull Sh*t

Centuries back Britons knocked at the door of India and were allowed to have an entry to India’s rich and heritage land…but this colonial relationship ended in 1947 when India got its Independence and Britons from one side were nailed by Gandhi’s Moderate reform and from other side by “Kranti Kaaries” extremist actions. They were forced to leave India.

After 60 years since Raj ended, now time has changed and India is changing and changed…Now again, the later generations of Briton are more likely to head towards India either to make a leap, escaping London’s stable but boring jobs in favour of the alluring pastures of the sub-continent.

For long British expats see India as a country with stable growth rate (even in the bad year 7% which is approximately over 2.5 times than UK ), a stable democracy (thanks Congress), limitless young human intellectuals and financially empowered middle class of more than 300 million (acc. to management consultancy McKinsey India’s middle class will balloon to 580million by 2025) which by far outweighs worries about corruption, bureaucracy and inefficiency but still I don’t know from where World Bank gets it data which rates India 154th country out of 183.

According to The British High Commission in Delhi and a survey done, British people in India are more than 42,000 (solid numbers are yet to come). The number of flights from Britain to India, growing waiting list at International B schools and number of “Whites” visible at MG Road backs up the growing migrant numbers in India.

  • For a banker, India is much more exciting than dull Singapore.
  • For an equity player, India gives Invitation to get rich as BSE offers huge return.
  • For an executive, he could do perfectly good by just speaking English and get most of luxuries of the west and few besides 😉
  • For a doctor, India offers more people (2nd largest population) ready for their prescription.
  • For an engineer, India is not a developed country (I don’t say so, UN says so) but a developing country which offers them to develop their career along with it.

But we Indian professionals are very much fascinated to move towards West to work. My friend says “I wont get as many opportunities and resources to start up my career in a way, I want it to be.” Bloody bull shit!!! Its just a stereotype. Irony is, they are coming to India to start up their career and we are moving there to start ours.

I am not trying to close my eyes from problems of India. I am very well aware with all the problems which cater over here but every country has their own sets of problem. We too have few, what’s the big deal.

Face it, fight it but don’t run from it.

Cheers!!!!

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“Porn Star” : I gave up my dream job

In my puberty stage, if my school walas would have conducted an exam on SEX AWARENESS I would have scored in negatives. I was so very sexually uneducated. I always go “Chee Chee” and say “Ganndi Baat” when some of my friends start topic of “How to deal with opposite sex??” But very soon it all changed. I remember the first time when one of my friend showed me picture of a nude girl I was like “Ohhh Man!!! it would have been so shameful and embarrassing of this chick to pose for this photograph.” And my friends burst out laughing but I ignored, ofcourse  with same “Chee Chee” expression.

My friends use to talk a lot  (and I listen) about Porn movies, I started to gain interest in that topic and listen to their minutest detail. There were few kids in my class who were highly privileged  because they were having access to internet and PTP channel. Every morning, I use to wait for them to come to school so they could tell me what another wonder they have found out. I was so damn jealous of them. After seeing interest of my friends in this area. I decided that I have to become a cameraman for these type of movies. But how will I convince my family. What will I say???

Anyways, one fine day I got a call from my “privileged” friend that he has got an educational CD and we all will meet at one of our friends home after school (as his parents were out). Whole day I was like “Dude!! Tell me what’s in that CD”…but he never told me. Any how I managed to hold my curiosity in my pants and reached the FINAL DESTINATION.

Anurag (imaginary name) took out CD from his bag and I felt that my blood flow has changed the direction and started to flow in reverse side (it started to flow from head to somewhere else).

Somehow I watched movie for 15-20mins and then left. While coming back home on my bicycle I said to myself “Buddy!!! There’s no fun in being a Cameraman”..I realized that’s true and have to drop that idea. Thereafter, I decided I don’t want to be a Cameraman, I should become a Hero because he’s the one who takes all the lime light. I decided to become a “Hero” once I grow up.

After reaching age of 21, I realized one thing, that God gave Asian’s lot of brain, working capacity, dedication , blah blah and blah…but the most important thing which is required to become “Hero” in those movies, God was bit stingy. So due to Gods partial behavior, blacks enjoy MONOPOLY and I have to drop my plan of becoming a Hero.

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Public Notice as World Cup begins…

Entire world is singing “Waka Waka” with Shakira as FIFA world cup begins (btw what the hell is “waka waka”). On Google too if you search WORLD CUP, Google transforms itself to GOOOOOOOOOOal…Even me, who is not a hardcore fan of Football will be taking certain sets of precautions to keep myself safe from Football maniacs.

So this is the notice which should be flashed on each and every corner of everybody’s home (where people are going nuts because of football mania). So that we could make our homes a safer place to live in.

This implies to everyone  as world cup begins:-

  • Thou shall not walk in front of TV : No matter if there is fire in your house or there is this ‘really hot next door girl’ changing her clothes in the apartment opposite to yours or there is a dinosaur drinking milk or a man getting mobbed by a monkey. You should not block view of TV. If you do so, then football fanatics see you as a Red flag, themselves as a BULL and room as Spain.
  • Thou shall not talk to women at any time during game : As girls (whom I know) love to talk. Especially their desire to talk reaches next level when they realize that something is getting more attention and importance. That is the moment when they take out their “Brahamastra” of emotional choochi choowing and you have to give up and start talking which could result in missing game and eventually disturbing the Shaanti of house.
  • They should also be relieved of all their duties as Head screamer and Director in-charge of  NOISE MAKING with immediate effect : Footbal Fans love to shout when their team scores and would love to abuse a loud when they don’t or are loosing  and with the implications of the sound limits, they would be only able to shout with the noise level that only their small intestine could hear. Which could result in frustration and junglee behavior.
  • Under no circumstances ANYONE SHOULD TOUCH REMOTE except if u r cleaning it or changing batteries : Don’t bother them if you are missing your daily soap or wanna see whats happening in the world. If you change channel even if there is a commercial going on, then do it on your own risk, consequences could be severe.

Lets take an oath of making our apartments dispute free and crime free just because of stupid TV and awesome world cup.

THIS NOTICE IS IN PUBLIC INTEREST BY VIKALP

Cheers!!!

Posted in Current issues, Passing thoughts | Leave a comment

Hello world!

So today I finally thought that I would start writing a blog. I still blame the hyper sexy weather of Bangalore which made my mind and then my body intoxicated to undertake this bizarre decision to start writing over here.

I still remember the day when I was perusing my XII std and while doing some search for some random chick, but due to conspiracy of lady luck 8 times out of 10, I end up landing on some bloggers blog. That time, I use to abuse them with all abuses known to me, with few of very innovative abuses (which are till date not known to anyone) because they were using space of Internet in which many girls profile would have easily accommodated with their contact details and few pictures too. Which could have made many boys feel lucky and many jerks would have got another reason to rush towards bathroom, lock them up in and do exactly what you are thinking right now they would do. But no, these spaces were being used by some bloggers to write what they did, what they are planning to do and in extreme cases, what their dog did, explaining stuff like how it pooped, where it pooped and why it pooped…How “POOPY”!!!

Now there would many young guys how would also end up on my blog (by mistake for sure) while looking for a reason either to feel lucky or to go to bathroom. So, I would like to pass my sincere apologies to them for taking this much of space from internet. I could totally understand how it feels :-

  • To get a  “poly pack” when you are looking for a “condom”.
  • To get a “She-male” when you desperately need a “female”

But I promise I won’t disappoint you. Contact me if you want to, I could tell you so many free sites which would provide you ample of reasons and monthly subscription free free free!!! And also I am ready to take your abuses but mind it they should not be very innovative rather has to be universally accepted.

But dont ever give up because we boys live in constant hope of getting opportunity to “Get Laid”. So keep on surfing, reading, wooing, enjoying but No smoking, drinking, prostitution…Wow I sound like my own parents.

Posted in Passing thoughts | Leave a comment